Wednesday's Child

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Some Feeble Insights

Understand your suffering and make it luminous, light-giving; from an apparently imposed destiny, make, from within, a destiny freely chosen.

One of the things that I struggle with is the impulse to cry unceasingly, and being sad, not from depression, but from an overwhelming feeling of either God's presence and beauty or from the evil that is so influential in all aspects of life. That isn't even describing my feelings correctly, it is a feeling that is inexpressible in words, all that I know that is an overwhelming emotion that is sadness, joy, and confusion all wrapped up together. Anyways, a friend of mine, who I always burden with my crazy thoughts and feelings (by the way I am sorry for that), tells me consistently how what I am feeling is compassion. I have been pondering that and what compassion really is, to me at least(trying not to "stew" though). Well, I have come to some conclusions, feeble though they may be, about my condition and what God wants me to do with it. I have, along with an eternal flood of tears, been given a shy disposition. In my opinion, I think that God gave me both of them, compassion and shyness, which are in my opinion on opposite ends of the spectrum, so that I would have to make a decision between the love I feel for everyone and the inclination I have to seclude myself and not approach others (because of fear etc). He gave me the option, through free will, to either be selfish(by nurturing my shyness)or to be selfless(by nurturing my compassion). So, I have been struggling to overcome my shyness, and in doing so I hope that I can draw closer to God by drawing closer to other people.

In addition, I have been contemplating why it is that I can empathize so easily with others. I think that maybe the reason is that I see a little bit of myself in everybody, and so that gives me the initiative to approach them. Also, when I see them struggling, it is, in a way, like seeing myself struggling (and no one wants themself struggling), and thus, I can feel what they are going through. There is something about everyone that I come in contact with that makes me want to cry. There is a friend of mine at church who has the most beautiful glowing face whenever she is in church, it is like she is radiant with God's love and grace. There is something about her expression and God's obvious dwelling within her that brings me to tears and makes me tremble whenever I watch her pray. It is so pure and heavenly. That presence of God I see in everyone, some to a larger extent than others, but that always makes me so overcome and I cannot explain it. All I want to do is cry and hug that person so I can get closer to them and the Holy Spirit that dwells within them. Either that, or I see this sadness in a person's eyes and that makes me want to cry for them. Because, even though this is selfish, I don't want to see people suffer because it hurts me to see them suffer. Oh man, I there are so many things that make my heart ache in this world. I just pray to God that He can show what to do with all these feelings that experience.

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