Wednesday's Child

Monday, July 26, 2004

Beauty and Tears

The other day, at a girl's study we were talking about worldly beauty vs. beauty in Christ, and even though this is stuff I already know and have been hearing my whole life, what was being said struck me in such a way that it has been on my mind ever since. We obviously discussed the fact that this world values external beauty above all else (which incidentally no one can control), and how God values beauty that comes from within, from the soul. I have been told this my whole life, but being a girl in this society is extremely difficult. We are often told that if we are not beautiful enough we are not worth anything. I have always struggled with this, and probably will for the rest of my life, but I am realizing that earthly beauty is so fleeting (and not at all important to my salvation) whereas beauty in Christ will last for eternity and, I have utter control over how beautiful I am. Coincidentally, as I was pondering this, I read (Fr. John of Kronstadt) how the Holy Spirit is Beauty, this made complete sense to me for only by acquiring the Holy Spirit within me can I truly become beautiful. This is such a simple idea, but at the same time it "trips"(for lack of a better word) me out and makes me marvel so much more at God and all his wisdom.
 
I realize more and more everyday that all I really want is to be with God and love Him with all my heart. But I don't know how much I love God and I pray everyday and ask Him to help me love Him with all of my heart, yet I still sin so much everyday even though I know that God is watching me every moment. This thought makes me so mad because even though I want to be good and not anger God by sinning, I still sin all the time. I often think that I can never love God completely until I sin no more, because if I really loved Him I wouldn't want to make him made and thus, no more sinning. At the same time I realize I am human and therefore fallen and always sinning, but that makes me so mad that I cannot be perfect. I know that since I am not perfect I am not worthy of God's love and knowing that God loves me no matter what makes me so grateful and overcome especially whenever I step foot into church. The past few weeks at church I have not been able to stop crying, and the most simple things set me off. For instance, at a baptism a few weeks back when we sang "As many as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ" I started to really cry pretty heavily and I could not stop till we had finished. Just yesterday in church I had to stop singing in the choir because I couldn't cry and sing at the same time. I know that this is stupid and I just have to get over it but the only reason that I don't like crying when I pray at church is that I don't want people to look at me and see me crying. So, I just pretend that I am praying in my room (where I cry freely every morning as I pray) and that no one can see me. Mostly I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable, but then if this is how I pray there is no way that I can stop it unless I don't pray with my heart, and that would be sacrificing the sincerity of my prayers for the sake of making people feel more comfortable, which I am pretty sure is wrong. So, I'll just pray(with some tears thrown in) for wisdom and just hope that these are real tears of repentance and joy.

2 Comments:

  • Banana,

    For what it’s worth, and we’ve discussed this before althought I don’t think I’ve ever told you (that’s because I’m always busy talking while your busy crying) outright, is that your tears are an inspiration to me. That’s why it doesn’t bother me to see them when we talk, because I know from where they come.

    Similarly, I don’t think most folks would have an adverse reaction to your heartfelt reactions because all of us can relate. I’m sure there are countless faithfull among us who have a propensity for tears during the services but suppress this natural feeling based on an incorrect view of what they feel open emotion might represent.

    Your disposition for tears is a gift from God. Not that a concise explanation is given along with this gift, but you must understand this it to be so. Perhaps a soft heart and weeping for those around you is your filter to love everyone and all things? This has to be the greatest gift of all, no?

    By Blogger John, at July 26, 2004 at 12:53 PM  

  • I had no idea that you felt that way, all I know is that it feels so good to cry when I pray (it feels good all the time but especially when I pray). It is the way that I am able to release all of the emotions whatever they may be and thanks for all of your encouragement and support, you mean a lot to me John.

    By Blogger Hannah, at July 26, 2004 at 6:56 PM  

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