Wednesday's Child

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I Don't Know

Today is a hard day emotionally. I am not quite sure why, but I know I am thinking too much and I need to get the thoughts out of my head. They tend to be way more manageable when they are not just swirling around up there with nothing to put them in perspective.

I got up this morning and really realized how insignificant and powerless I really am. That is such a humbling thought and it bursts my human pride (which I suppose is a good thing). But afterwards, all I could think about was repentance and how I really need to spend the rest of my life praying and repenting. When I think how  I fought with God for years and all I wanted was to be selfish and listen to my stupid will I feel so foolish. I went through a period in my life when I really rejected God and lived only for what this world had to offer. I was such a brat. I became what I always have detested, and as a result, a big hole opened up inside of me where I used to have God. I tried to fill that hole up with so many things, and none of them worked. I finally realized that what I needed I had had all along. Talk about a humbling realization. It seems to me that no one ever realizes how enormous that hole has gotten until you finally find what can completely fill it. Mine had gotten so big and all because I just wanted to have and do what I wanted. Now, whenever I think about God or go to church all I can think about is how unworthy I am of God's love, and yet, He still loves me. I really want to deserve that love, which I have come to realize I cannot live without. Maybe I just had to lose my faith before I could really appreciate it. But now, I just want to love God and be with Him. That's all I want. Help me God, to love You with all of my heart. Man, I feel like such a wreck. Have mercy on me and forgive me.
 
It's wierd, when I look back and see that I have made progress I get all proud of myself, but then that just sets me back because if I am having proud thoughts how can I possibly be close to God? It seems like every other thought that comes into my head I have to kick out. It is sort of draining to be fighting my own thoughts all day long knowing all the sinful and prideful thoughts that pop into my head everyday. It doesn't help when people tell me how good or righteous I am, because I know it is false, but I so desperately want it to be true. I just want to be good enough to be with God for eternity. Yet, something so seemingly simple as that is so difficult and causes me so much pain daily. What is wrong with me? I ask that of myself everyday. If only the people who say I am so good could hear my thoughts they would swiftly change their minds. Please, just pray for me, I really need those prayers. All I want is to be saved.

O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

2 Comments:

  • It's wierd, when I look back and see that I have made progress I get all proud of myself, but then that just sets me back because if I am having proud thoughts how can I possibly be close to God?Like Fr. Wayne says, “Every now and then, God pulls back the curtain to reveal Himself”. This is for our benefit in order to encourage us through our daily struggles and to offer assurance in knowing that we are in fact drawing closer to Him.

    The fact that it seems like every other thought that comes into my head I have to kick out proves this as well. We don’t rejoice in this development as an accomplishment of ourselves, in view of the fact that we know from where it comes, but in knowing that God is with us.

    Banana, throughout our sanctification God is with us, this is His intention, and our goal should be to align ourselves with His intentions. When sinful, regressive thoughts enter into our minds, it’s as though the demons entreat us to put back on the “old man” in order to bring us back to square one. But again, it’s God’s love for us that allows us to see growth in order to combat the thoughts and trappings of our former selves. But don’t lose heart in this crusade, for this is our journey. What gives us comfort is knowing where the journey takes us.

    If only the people who say I am so good could hear my thoughts they would swiftly change their minds.Lady…if you could hear my thoughts…not only would it change your mind about me, but it’d make you call the cops, social services, and an all-night vigil! Fortunately enough for the both of us, as it is true for us all, they are mere thoughts. Guideposts to where we’re at, where we’ve come from, where we aspire to be and where we know we don’t want to go back to. Amidst it all, you must remember the refrain from Great Compline – God is with us, understand, all ye people and submit yourself, for God is with us.

    By Blogger John, at July 27, 2004 at 12:48 PM  

  • It is amazing how a refrain I've heard thousands of times over the years can suddenly mean so much and bring so much perspective (not to mention tears). Thanks.

    By Blogger Hannah, at July 28, 2004 at 11:05 AM  

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