Wednesday's Child

Tuesday, August 10, 2004


Today I had lunch with a wonderful lady who I adore and who is such a good example to me in regard to what a Godly woman should be. I had wanted to talk to her about some struggles that we have in common, mainly that of being female in our society and all the pressures that are inherent in it. She gave me such perspective and encouragement, but the even more wonderful gift that she gave me was a glimpse at her soul, which is truly beautiful, and her heart, which is completely in love with God.

It is strange, I often have an easier time relating to people who are older than I am. For some reason I have a hard time relating to people who are my age, especially when they are not christians. It also takes me a long time to get to really be able to open up to people, to feel completely comfortable around them(it usually takes roughly a year). There is something in me that is afraid of getting hurt, but I also am not utterly comfortable with myself, who I am, so it is hard to let people get to know the real me. I spent so many years being around girls who were constantly talking behind eachothers backs and not being sincere, so now I am still unsure of whether people really like me or if they are just pretending and will talk about me as soon as my back is turned. I still struggle with allowing myself to relax around others. It is easier to have people make fun of the character you invented to be you than to have people make fun and pick apart the real you. I played a role for so many years that it is hard for me even to accept myself, who I truly am. Main issue is that I want everyone to like me, although I know that is impossible.

Having faith in God has helped me to realize that I am special, God doesn't make trash. All I have to do, as my priest said, is be myself and use the gifts that I have to the glory of God. He gave me a gift, even if it is only a compassionate heart with which I can love everyone. But being able to love is a beautiful feeling, and I cherish my tears and my heart that aches at the sight of all things both beautiful and ugly. God has given me something special, but now I must perfect it so that in the end I can offer it back to Him as a sacrifice that expresses my adoration and love for Him.


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