Wednesday's Child

Monday, August 02, 2004

"The mind that creates the problem is not the mind that will solve the problem."

-Einstein-

This saying really made a deep impression on me when I heard it this weekend. I know that I often stew over thoughts and feelings in my head too much, and I always expect that I have the solution to all of the problems that I have. There is this thing that I possess, called pride, that makes me reluctant to ask other people for help, I always think that I can work everything out perfectly. I have too much faith in my own wisdom and reasoning and too much pride to ask for help. It is so humbling to depend on someone else, to admit my own weakness and inability to solve all the problems that come my way. But, over the past few months, I have begun to realize how poorly equiped I am to deal with every issue that comes to me. All my thoughts and feelings are so huge and intimidating when they are simply swirling around in my head, but once I get them out in words they seem so much more manageable, and often even silly.

By asking other people for help with my issues I feel not only that I am unmasking my weaknesses, but also I feel as if I am burdening others with my baggage. But when I think about it, if one of my friends needed to talk or needed help I would feel honored if they would come to me. That's what my friends are for, to support and help me. Likewise, it is my job to support and encourage my friends as best I can.

When I think about all of the wonderful people that God gave to me to support and love me, it humbles me because obviously He knows how much help I need. I realize then how completely weak I am. I feel weekly that I could break down, there are so many confusing thoughts and feelings inside me that I feel overwhelmed constantly. It is a huge burden, and I don't know what I am supposed to do with all these emotions. That in and of itself frustrates me immeasurably. I am so used to understanding and knowing exactly what I am feeling and why. And now, I am constantly baraged by an onslaught of crazy and inexplicable feelings that threaten to wear me down and make me break down completely. It is because of that that I realize how much I need other people's wisdom, because obviously my own is not cutting it. But yet, my stupid pride is still standing in the way. I never know exactly how to approach people in order to ask to talk and for their advice. I am scared that they will talk to me, and at the same time I am scared that they won't. The only thing I know for sure about all this is that I am utterly confused and lost. I don't even know what is bothering me at any given moment. Plus, whenever I try to get it all out I feel so inarticulate, my thoughts and feelings all come out in such a disorderly fashion. And what is even more frustrating is not being able to express in words what I am feeling. Some days I just want someone to hold me while I cry and cry and cry, but I am too proud to ask.

I often worry that I am the only person who ever feels like this. That is probably a prideful thought. Somehow, for some reason, it just seems wrong to me.

I just hate feeling this weak and ignorant. Everything seems to make me cry or make my heart hurt and I usually don't even know why. I really need to get over my pride and ask for help.

Everytime that I really look at myself I don't like what I see. I hate that I sin(which is also prideful because I can never be sinless) and that I am so unworthy of God's love. You know what, this is all despair, so I better shut up right now and pray that God may give joy to my soul (I struggle with being truly joyful because of all the hate and evil that I see around me).

1 Comments:

  • I was reading St. John Cassian last night. In his writings he talked about how while we are not able to control what thoughts sneak into our heads, once they have entered we can either embrace them in joy as being sent by God Himself, or disregard them as delusions from demons. This is when and how our thoughts become our responsibility.

    It is also our dilemma.

    Hannah, in this way, the thoughts that spin you out create conflict primarily because you believe you create them based on whatever you’re feeling one second to the next. Try and allocate the different thoughts according to their appropriate origins and then step back to see if your reactions are justified, understanding always that God does not allow trials that we can not endure and that His love and compassion for us are boundless.

    By Blogger John, at August 3, 2004 at 8:52 AM  

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