Wednesday's Child

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I have really been thinking a lot about what Fr. Wayne said in his homily last sunday. The idea of denying yourself is always so intriguing to me because I have such trouble with it. All my sins spring from the fact that I am terrible at saying no to myself. I am not the only one who has to bear the consequences of my self love and indulgence, my family and friends must bear them as well. So I was thinking that if I cannot say no for myself I should at least be able to say no for those I love. For by saying no to myself I am then lightening their burden, if even just a little. I would not want to contribute to the fall of my family and friends. I do not want them to perish because of my selfishness. I think that part of denying yourself comes not only from love for God, but also for love for one's neighbor.

I know that I have a tendency to not be as compassionate and forgiving as I could be towards the faults of others. I am holding on to my selfish and prideful desire to feel good about myself, instead of completely embracing humility. Whenever I am judgmental I think of how utterly dillusional I am being in thinking that I am any better than someone else. Then I recall what Chance said one time in sunday school about how the person who we love and forgive no matter what they do is ourselves. I want to be able to feel that forgiving and loving towards everyone, and be hard on myself rather than on others.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that I must shed my "meness" in order to truly love and be a true christian and follower of God.

I realize that what I am saying has been said thousands of times, but really I think that everytime someone grasps something for themselves it is as if they are discovering it for the first time. It seems like that discovery is just as valuable as if it was completely original, or maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better. I don't know. Now I am just rambling.

Now for something completely off topic. Yesterday I scored at Barnes and Noble. I got The House of the Dead, Poor Folk, and Anna Karenina without having to pay a dime (gift card). I am really excited. I am going back into my Russian novel phase. When my I got home and showed my mom she just laughed.


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