Wednesday's Child

2006-05-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

"Depression is a spiritual cross," she told him; "it is sent to help the penitents who do not know how to repent, that is, who after repentance fall again into their earlier sins... And so only two medicines can treat this sometimes very difficult suffering of soul. One must either learn to repent and offer the fruits of repentance; or else bear this spiritual cross, one's depression, with humility, meekness, patience and great gratitude to the Lord, remembering that the bearing of this cross is accounted by the Lord as the fruit of repentance... And after all, what great consolation it is to realize that your discouragement is the unacknowledged fruit of repentance, an unconscious self-chastisement for the absence of the fruits that are demanded... From this thought one should come to contrition, and then the depression gradually melts and the true fruits of repentance will be conceived..."

Life is beautiful!

2005-06-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

Christ is Risen!

2005-05-18T21:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is simply to live, but God is merciful.

Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!

2005-03-13T14:08:00.000-08:00

Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson

I had a cat named Snowball --
She died! She died!
Mom said she was sleeping --
She lied! She lied!
Why oh why is my cat dead?
Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead?

2005-03-11T14:54:00.000-08:00

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console;
Not so much to be understood as to understand,
Not so much to be loved as to love:
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned;
It is in dying, that we awaken to eternal life.

2005-01-07T16:20:00.000-08:00

The memory of the just is celebrated with hymns of praise, but the Lord's testimony is sufficient for thee, O Forerunner; for thou hast proved to be truly even more venerable than the Prophets, since thou was granted to baptize in the running waters Him Whom they proclaimed. Wherefore, having contested for the truth, thou didst rejoice to announce the good tidings even to those in Hades: that God hath appeared in the flesh, taking away the sin of the world and granting us great mercy.

2005-01-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

The past few days I have been in a sort of daze and my head has been spinning so much. The craziness is setting in. There are days when I am so choked up with life and its pain that I feel physically sick from it all. At moments like that I almost come unglued, and sometimes I do. The world starts to spin and I lose my peace. Then I remember two things: I always can pray for help and God will answer me, and lighten up (what my priest always tells me to do). It really does work, I can deal with anything then, it may be hard and painful but I can get through whatever comes my way.

There are some days when I feel my demons working so hard on me. I can really feel them haunting me. It is so scary. On those days I just run and pray so hard. By the grace of God I am still hanging in there.

I really think that I am insane, but is this insanity or is it just struggling? I am alright with struggling because then at least I am fighting and trying to get closer to God. If it is insanity, well...I don't know.

Hannah, what is wrong with you?

Lord have mercy.

Back Home

2005-01-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

I really think my family is great, despite all their little habits - good and bad- I love them. It took taking a break from them to make me realize how much I need them. I also found that I need to live with a lot of people. I could never live by myself, or with just one or two other people. I need a crowd of people to keep me sane and out of my head. God has truly blessed me.

This past sunday it was so wonderful having Bishop Joseph come to our church. One of the best things about the service was that the entire congregation was able to see him vest, it was really a neat experience, all of it. No matter how many times I see Bishop Joseph I am always so in awe, he is really a beautiful man.

Synaxis of the Seventy Holy Apostles
With hymns let us praise the chorus of the Seventy disciples of Christ, ye faithful; and in godliness, let us keep a feast, for we learned through them to worship the Trinity, Who is indivisibly one; for they are the lamps of our most godly Faith.

God bless!!!

2004-12-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

Thou hast made us for Thyself, and our heart is restless until it rests in Thee.

Exciting News!

2004-12-22T13:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my mom told me that Andrew Kreitz is no longer atheist. He is now agnostic. This is huge and I am so excited!!! Once again, thank you all so much for you prayers, they really do work miracles. Glory be to God!!!

2004-12-21T11:39:00.000-08:00

God has granted us existence - the greatest gift of His goodness.

2004-12-17T10:54:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to John Peace and family; last night they were blessed with a baby boy.

May God grant baby Zachary many years!

More from the Simpsons

2004-12-16T11:05:00.000-08:00

Homer: "Bart was strangely quiet. He later explained he was confused by feelings of respect for me."

Tears

2004-12-15T15:44:00.000-08:00

Countless tears I've shed, yet
many more were quelled
and denied their outlet;
secret grief withheld.

Those I let flow freely
are forgotten quite;
they refreshed and healed me:
sweet dewfall at night.

Those that sank and rested
on the heart's deep floor
turned to ulcers, festered:
cancer at the core.

-P.A. Vyazemsky

Tomorrow is the last day of school!

2004-12-14T16:54:00.000-08:00

A thought

2004-12-10T09:27:00.000-08:00

I had a thought the other day that has been staying with me, I need to get it off my chest. So here it is...

...The past few days in my psychology class we have been discussing schizophrenia. This disorder both fascinates and terrifies me. We watched a video of people with schizophrenia talking about what it is like to be plagued with this terrible illness. As I was watching this video I was initially very sad, but then one man said something that made me understand something, even though I am not sure if I am right about this. This man said that in his hallucinations the voices he hears are always trying to control him, to manipulate him into doing what they want. I don't really think that schizophrenics are having hallucinations, I think actually that they see and hear what the rest of us can't. I think that what they hear and see are actually demons. They recognize the thoughts and desires for what they are, they recognize them as coming from somewhere else and being pushed upon them. Most people on the other hand think of these thoughts and desires as coming from themselves, they don't see their true origin. I know that if all the thoughts and temptations that are thrown at me were any stronger that I would go crazy. Anyone who has to deal so closely with a demon is bound to have some negative effects, especially if he/she is not spiritually equipped to handle such an encounter. In fact, the one common symptom of all schizophrenics are hallucinations. This may sound far fetched to some, but I think that people are not crazy and thus the have hallucinations. I think that they see or hear the demons and the repeated encounters with them make them go crazy. They are constantly tormented. I shudder to think of this, especially since there are moments in my own life when I feel so overcome and tormented that I wonder if I am crazy and how much longer I can hang on. They experience up close the reality that the devil and his cohorts are constantly trying to control our actions in order to draw us away from God.

Hannah the Prophetess

2004-12-09T10:59:00.000-08:00

My heart rejoiceth in the Lord, mine horn is exalted in the Lord: my mouth is enlarged over mine enemies; because I rejoice in thy salvation.
There is none holy as the Lord: for there is none beside thee: neither is there any rock like our God...
The Lord killeth, and maketh alive: he bringeth down to the grave, and bringeth up. The Lord maketh poor, and maketh rich: he bringeth low, and lifteth up.
He raiseth up the poor out of the dust, and lifteth up the beggar from the dunghill, to set them among princes, and to make them inherit the throne of glory: for the pillars of the earth are the Lord's, and he hath set the world upon them.
He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail.
The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven shall he thunder upon them: the Lord shall judge the ends of the earth; and he shall give strength unto his king, and exalt the horn of his anointed.

Pray unto God for me Saint Hannah, well pleasing to God, for thou art the speedy helper and intercessor for my soul.

2004-12-07T17:29:00.000-08:00

The development of medicine in a purely naturalistic perspective served to objectify illness, making of it a reality considered in itself and for itself. Illness came to be construed as uniquely physiological and somehow independent of the afflicted person. Rather than treat the person, many physicians today treat illnesses or organs. This fact - complicated by diagnostic methods that are increasingly quantitative and abstract, together with therapeutic methods that are more and more technical - has had as its primary consequence the effect of considerably depersonalizing medical practice. This factor, of course, only increases the distress and isolation of the ill person. A second consequence has been to divest patients of their illness and suffering, thereby limiting their means for dealing with them. By regarding sickness and suffering as autonomous realities of a purely physiological character - and consequently as susceptible to treatment that is purely technical, applied to the body alone - modern medicine does practically nothing to help the patients assume them. Rather, it encourages the patient to consider that both their state and their fate lie entirely in the hands of the physicians, that the only solution to their troubles is purely medical, and that the only way they can endure their suffering is to look passively to medicine for any hope of relief and healing.
-Jean Claude Larchet-

2004-12-07T16:59:00.000-08:00

Many people with schizophrenia abuse alcohol or other drugs, and some of the brain damage associated with schizophrenia is due to alcohol abuse....Furthermore, large doses of amphetamines, cocaine, or other drugs that stimulate dopamine activity induce a condition, sometimes long-lasting, with the positive symptoms of schizophrenia.

Nicholas the Wonderworker, Archbishop of Myra

2004-12-06T09:33:00.000-08:00

The truth of things hath revealed thee to thy flock as a rule of faith, an icon of meekness, and a teacher of temperance; for this cause, thou hast achieved the heights by humility, riches by poverty. O Father and Hierarch Nicholas, intercede with Christ God that our souls be saved.

Saintly One, in Myra you proved yourself a priest; for in fulfilling the Gospel of Christ, venerable One, you laid down your life for your people and saved the innocent from death. For this you were sanctified as One learned in divine grace.

This Saint lived during the reign of Saint Constantine the Great, and reposed in 330, As a young man, he desired to espouse the solitary life. He made a pilgrimage to the holy city Jerusalem, where he found a place to withdraw to devote himself to prayer. It was made known to him, however, that this was not the will of God for him, but that he should return to his homeland to be a cause of salvation for many. He returned to Myra, and was ordained bishop. He became known for his abundant mercy, providing for the poor and needy, and delivering those who had been unjustly accused. No less was he known for his zeal for the truth. He was present at the First Ecumenical Council of the 318 Fathers at Nicaea in 325; upon hearing the blasphemies that Arius brazenly uttered against the Son of God, Saint Nicholas struck him on the face. Since the canons of the Church forbid the clergy to strike any man at all, his fellow bishops were in perplexity what disciplinary action was to be taken against this hierarch whom all revered. In the night our Lord Jesus Christ and our Lady Theotokos appeared to certain of the bishops, informing them that no action was to be taken against him, since he had acted not out of passion, but extreme love and piety. The Dismissal Hymn for holy hierarchs, The truth of things hath revealed thee to thy flock ... was written originally for Saint Nicholas. He is the patron of all travellers, and of sea-farers in particular; he is one of the best known and best loved Saints of all time.

Happy nameday Yiya!!!

Now all we need to complete the festivities is Herman the Nameday Clown!

I miss my sister...

2004-12-02T17:33:00.000-08:00

...so much that it hurts. I miss the sister who I used to be best friends with. I miss her funny laugh. I miss the snorts she makes when she laughs hysterically. I miss chasing eachother around the house. I miss the times we used to spend hours talking about everything. I miss the hugs and kisses that I knew came from her heart. I miss her cute little smile. I even miss our arguments.

I was looking through old pictures today and I realized how much I miss. God help her.

Whenever I go to church I light a candle for her. Whenever I see an icon of the Theotokos all I can think is "Please, please, help her. Protect her. Be with her."

I miss my sister.

2004-11-24T10:36:00.000-08:00

Whenever I read this it gives me the chills and brings tears to my eyes.

Who hath believed our report? and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed? For He shall grow up before Him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: He hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see Him, there is no beauty that we should desire Him. He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from Him; He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on Him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed, and He was afflicted, yet he opened not His mouth: He is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so He openeth not His mouth. He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare His generation? For He was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of my people was He stricken... And He was numbered with the transgressors; and He bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors. - Isaiah 53:1-8, 12

2004-11-21T17:34:00.000-08:00

Today I was sitting at the table eating lunch and my mom comes up to me after talking to Benny and we had one of the strangest conversations, and my mom and I have had some pretty strange ones before. It went something like this...

Mom: "Bear?"
Me: "Yeah madre, I am listening."
Mom: "We have big shovels."
Me: "Okay?"
Mom: "Shit happens, so God gave us big shovels to get through it."

After that she just walked away. Ah, my mom and her words of wisdom.

Something that I never thought I would hear come from Isaiah's mouth: "My precious nipples, they are mine, all mine."

2004-11-18T11:21:00.000-08:00

My brother has converted me into an avid watcher of The Simpsons. So, for Yiya I decided to give a few quotations that we were cracking up about for days after we watched the episode.

"Before Lethal Weapon 2 I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet, but now I check every time. " - Homer

"It was symbolism, he was mad!"- Homer

This is the quote that made me love The Simpsons.
"Doh!"- Homer
"A deer!" - Marge
"A female deer!" - Lisa

2004-11-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

"We cannot see light, though by light we can see things. Statements about God are extrapolations from the knowledge of other things which the divine illumination enables us to know."

"You will certainly carry out God's purpose, however you act, but it makes a difference to you whether you serve like Judas or like John. "

"'Are you not thirsty?' said the Lion.
'I'm dying of thirst,' said Jill.
'Then drink,' said the Lion.
'May I - could I - would you mind going away while I do?' said Jill
The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl....
'I daren't come and drink,' said Jill.
'Then you will die of thirst,' said the Lion.
'Oh dear!' said Jill, coming another step nearer. 'I suppose I must go and look for another stream then.'
'There is no other stream,' said the Lion."

- C.S. Lewis

2004-11-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

"The fact that man is capable of grasping the idea of the existence of God, is in itself sufficient evidence.

"The conception of God arises from that mysterious capability of mankind which we call imagination. Only because of this power and only by means of its help, man, and no other living creature on earth, is able to find confirmation through abstract things. The expanse of knowledge which is opened by this capacity is perfectly immense. Indeed, thanks to precisely the imagination of man, the possibility of spiritual reality arises. Man is able to define, with obvious purpose, the great truth that Heaven exists everywhere and in everything, the truth that God lives everywhere and in all, and that He lives in our hearts.

"Man recognizes the necessity of moral principles; in them exists the feeling of debt, and from this, faith in God is born. The richness of religious experience finds the soul of man and lifts him, step by step, until he feels the Divine presence. The instinctive cry of man, 'My God,' is natural, and the crudest form of prayer lifts one closer to his Creator.

"Respect, sacrifice, strength of character, moral foundations, ingenuity are not born from negativism or atheism, the amazing self-deception which replaces God with man. Without faith, culture disappears, order becomes disorder, and evil prevails.

"Let us hold fast to our belief in the Creator, in Divine love and in the brotherhood of man, lifting ourselves closer to Him by doing His will as we know it and firmly believing we are, as His creation, worthy of His care.

"True knowledge is incompatible with pride. Humility is a necessary condition for the capacity of grasping the Truth. Only humble scholars, as well as humble religious thinkers, bearing in mind the words of the Saviour, Without me ye can do nothing, and I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 15:5, John 14:6), are able to travel the right path, by the right method, toward the comprehension of the Truth. For God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace into the humble (James 4:6). "

- A. Cressy Morrison, The Law of God

2004-11-11T16:09:00.000-08:00

This past weekend my family rented and watched the movie Mean Girls. Today I decided to watch it and it hit a little too close to home. Sadly, that movie could have been about me, except with people at dance instead of at school. I was like that. I was mean/bratty.

I started at my dance studio so naive, I thought that I was just going to be learning how to dance. How wrong I was! Instead, I encountered a group of girls who really wanted to be cool. They were very vicious. I remember on my first day there the teacher asked me to go in the second group so that I would know the combination for sure. The other girls in the class laughed when the teacher said this and I over heard two girls (who I later ended up befriending in a weird non-healthy way) say something to the effect of "Yeah, she better go in the second group, she looks kind of slow!" Being a sensitive kid I was barely able to hold back my tears till I got out of class. After that I just remember going home and crying myself to sleep.

Then I got so messed up. I wanted more than anything for everyone to like me; because of this I sacrificed who I was ( I used to be sweet) to fit in with this group of girls. At my studio, this particular group of girls was called "The Brat Pack." I became so selfish, bratty, and into drama that when I look at how I was I am so embarrassed. I remember so many times when we would get in fights at dance and have little go betweens who would send all our insults back and forth between parties. At any given time there were at least two or three girls who were fighting. How utterly ridiculous and completely saddening this is to think about. I can hardly imagine what my parents were thinking as they saw this transformation occuring in me.

I had to stop dance for a few months before I was able to see what a monster I had become. I thank God that He allowed me to see how far I had fallen. I have so many left over issues that I have to deal with now.

During that period I was able to distort who it is that I am supposed to be. I just have to go back now. I pretended to be someone else for so long that it is really hard for me to recognize who I really am.

For a long time I managed to convince myself that no one can really change, that they are forever the same. Then God let me know how foolish I am, how completely blind and fallen I am. Glory be to God!

I realize now that everything that I do in this life should serve to honor God. I know who I should live my life for. If nothing else, I give thanks for God's mercy. He truly does give sight to the blind.

Glory be to God in all things!

Something I liked from the movie...Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

2004-11-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
- Galatians 6:2

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you.
- John 13:34

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
- Matthew 11:28

Some exciting news! I have talked a few times about a young man who is atheist but has something so beautiful in him, and I just learned that he asked my mom for some books on the Orthodox Church! Glory be to God! Thank you all for your prayers, and just please continue to pray for him!

What a Hippie!

2004-11-01T08:59:00.000-08:00

I was informed the other day that I am such a hippie because of my fascination with nature in general and the sky in particular. I love to watch the sky, to see the formation of the clouds and the way they move so gently and smoothly in the wind- they at least obey their Creator. It is fascinating and breathtaking to see the way the light streams in through the window and to see the particles in the air. What glory is in all of God's creation, the firmament does truly proclaim His handiwork!

Every morning when I step out of the house and I see the day beginning before my eyes I am overcome and simply think "Thank you!" How lucky we all are to behold such beauty. I love the simplicity and gentleness that is in the sky and nature. I want to see the world everyday through eyes that can see the beauty in everything, I want to see everyday as if for the first time.

Some great quotations...

2004-10-31T17:03:00.000-08:00

"And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness'...Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I love that, it gives me chills.

"We love Him because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

"For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith." - 1 John 5:4

Something that gives me hope and motivation....Lord have mercy on us all.

Running Amuck...

2004-10-29T18:23:00.000-07:00

...Sounds exciting doesn't it? Well guess what, it is! I just had a fun time Thursday afternoon with J Peace. He came over after work and we decided to run amuck. All we really did was go bummer boating, but it was fun. I got soaking wet, but, being the genius that I am, I wasn't able to figure out how to effectively squirt John. He walked out almost completely dry. It was a fun "amuck running" (as he put it).

After that little excursion he mentioned to me that we raised over $8,000 for the Prison Ministry this past weekend. How wonderful!!!

2004-10-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

During the day when I have time to write I never seem to be able to find the right words. Once I lay down to go to bed I suddenly am able to sufficiently express myself, even if my only audience is me.

2004-10-20T08:59:00.000-07:00

Life is rough. There is so much to endure. There is so much to figure out. Especially as a young person you have to figure out who you are and who you want to be and then somehow reconcile the two. Even harder than actually experiencing this is witnessing someone you love so much struggle through this phase. It is hard to watch someone struggle and know that you are powerless to help them.

It feels even more terrible when you are judgemental with them and completely forget that the stage they are in is one that is so emotionally taxing and frustrating. I hate how I get frustrated with her and forget to put myself in her shoes; instead, I just add to her burden.

I want to help her but I can't. She wouldn't accept my assistance, and it just doesn't work that way. I have to let her struggle and pray that she will make it out stronger. I really do love my sister, so much that just thinking about it makes me hurt and cry. Inside her, inside the teenager who I barely even know anymore, is the sister that I love more than I can express. I know that she is going through a hard time and she needs love, even if she scoffs at it.

It is so much easier to try to control than to let go, trust, hope and pray.

I love her so much.

Please keep Bethany in your prayers, she is really struggling right now.

Most Holy Theotokos save us.

2004-10-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

John the Wonderworker of Kronstadt

O Wonderworker living in Christ for ever, with love have mercy on them that are in danger; hear thy children who call upon thee with faith; be thou compassionate unto them that hope for aid from thee, O Father John of Kronstadt, our beloved shepherd.

O Thou who from infancy wast chosen by God, and in childhood didst miraculously receive from Him the gift of learning, and wast gloriously called to the priesthood in a vision during sleep: Thou didst prove to be a wondrous shepherd of the Church of Christ, O Father John.

"Love without reasoning: love is simple. Likewise believe and hope without reasoning. For faith and hope are also simple."

2004-10-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

Lighten up Hannah!!!

I just needed to remind myself.

2004-10-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

Why is college easier than high school? I have so little work this semester that my mom asked me the other week whether or not I ever do any homework. School is a little bit of a joke this semester, which is partially why I like it so much. I am just getting too spoiled. For instance, I have a quiz in my psychology class tomorrow, will I study? Probably not. The last two quizzes for this class I didn't study for, yet on the first one I got a 61 out of 60 (not bad, huh?) and on the second I got a 58 out of 60 (the 1st score makes this one seem bad). Anyways, why should I study when I am doing so well without? Really why I don't study before tests is that I do all my work and studying spread out over a longer period of time. If I pay attention in class and do my homework then when I go to study I already know all that information that I am supposed to know, convenient isn't it? The only bad thing about this is that it gives me a really good excuse to be lazy. Now please excuse me as I must go and not study for my quiz tomorrow.

2004-10-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 13TH BIRTHDAY ISAIAH!

We now have 4 teenagers in the house. Scary!!!

2004-10-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

I am so excited! I just talked to Fr. Wayne about going on a OCMC mission trip to Guatemala, and I am almost positive that it is going to happen. It will be great! I am so stoked!!!

2004-10-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

In a previous post I wrote about a young man who is a staunch atheist, but who has - in my opinion - so much potential. I have been praying very fiercely for him that God may soften his heart and let him see. Well, the other day this boy said that he has started to listen to Orthodox music. This came as such a shock and an encouragement to me. Maybe this is the first step, the first phase in his conversion (oh how I hope!). I think this such a huge step because, like I told my mom, how can someone listen to Orthodox music for a prolonged period of time and remain hard hearted to its content? If he can appreciate the beauty of the music, I pray that he can come to appreciate and embrace the beliefs that are expressed in it. Anyone who reads this, please pray for Andrew that he may see God and all His beauty. Thanks.

2004-10-08T08:46:00.000-07:00

O death, where is thy sting?
O hades, where is thy victory?
CHRIST IS RISEN, and thou art cast down.
CHRIST IS RISEN, and the demons are fallen.
CHRIST IS RISEN, and the angels rejoice.
CHRIST IS RISEN, and life flourisheth.
CHRIST IS RISEN, and there is none dead in the tombs.

Glory to God!!!

2004-10-07T17:03:00.002-07:00

Christ is Risen!!!

2004-10-07T17:03:00.001-07:00

Christ is Risen!!!

2004-10-07T17:03:00.000-07:00

Christ is Risen!!!

2004-10-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

Often I don't have anything to say. That doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that I feel like I am always supposed to have something, anything to say. Why should I always be talking, giving my opinion instead of listening to someone else or enjoying silence (which can be very pleasant)? In fact, the people I feel most comfortable with are the people I feel comfortable being silent around. I sort of think that it is important not to have something to say sometimes. There are times to just be quiet and listen. Personally, I really enjoy those times. They are the times when I learn the most.

2004-09-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

"The very nature of Joy makes nonsense of our common distinction between having and wanting. There, to have is to want and to want is to have. Thus the very moment when I long to be stabbed again, was itself again such a stabbing."

"It was when I was happiest that I longed most....The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from."

C.S. Lewis

2004-09-24T09:26:00.000-07:00

Today we commemorate Saint Thekla, an inspiration and a wonderful example of a truly Godly woman.

O Lord Jesus, unto Thee Thy lamb doth cry with a great voice: O my Bridegroom, Thee I love; and seeking Thee, I now contest, and with Thy baptism am crucified and buried. I suffer for Thy sake, that I may reign with Thee; for Thy sake I die, that I may live in Thee: accept me offered out of longing to Thee as a spotless sacrifice. Lord, save our souls through her intercessions, since Thou art great in mercy.

O glorious virgin, thou wast entrusted with an apostolate, while shining brightly with virginal beauty and adorned with crowns of martyrdom. And, O Thecla, thou also didst subdue the bull's fury and change the fire to dew by thine entreaties, O first contestant among all womankind.

2004-09-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

Today I was cleaning out my computer (it is starting to go a little crazy with all the files we have on it), and I found a paper that I wrote last year for my english class about The Brothers Karamozov (great book). It was interesting for me to reread it, especially since it was about a year ago that I really started to feel the pull of Orthodoxy, so to speak. For a while I had gotten a bit too fascinated by existentialism and feminism, and I was coming dangerously close to nihilism. Reading The Brothers Karamozov and More Spirited Than Lions really helped me refocus. So here is the paper that I wrote about the aforementioned novel. Hope you like it.

A Woman’s True Worth
In Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s novel, The Brothers Karamozov, Dostoyevsky depicts the pejorative roles that women played in 19th century Russia. In so doing, Dostoyevsky condemns the roles that women were forced to play, and as a solution to their plight, offers up the Virgin Mary as a model of purity, wisdom, and independence, characteristics that women should possess, rather than their current roles as sexual objects, ignorant superficial housewives, and property.
Throughout history, women have been seen as “petticoats to run after” (4). As a result, women’s emotions, desires, and needs are ignored because of man’s selfish desire to satisfy himself sexually. Dostoyevsky uses the character of Grushenka, or Agrafena Alexandrovna, to portray the sexually exploited and corrupted role that some woman must play. Grushenka, because of her beauty, has immense appeal to men, which therefore forces her to “visit gentlemen in the dusk,” thereby loosing her internal beauty and consequently transforming into a “vile slut” (158). By illustrating Grushenka as a promiscuous woman, Dostoyevsky shows her as the complete opposite of the Virgin Mary, for Grushenka does not preserve her purity, but rather becomes totally corrupted. In the Orthodox Church, the church to which Dostoyevsky belonged, the Virgin Mary, or the Theotokos, (Mother of God) is seen as the embodiment of purity and commands complete respect. Grushenka on the other hand, possesses no purity, and thus commands no respect from anyone. Through this, Dostoyevsky is able to illustrate what women have to do in order to gain respect from society; they must learn to respect themselves by not allowing themselves to be controlled by the sexual desires of men, but instead by God and the church, and by using the Theotokos as their model of perfection.
Dostoyevsky utilizes Madame Hohlakov to exemplify the role of ignorant, superficial housewife. Throughout the storyline, Madame Hohlakov is a “gossip and busybody, saying things which [she] ought not,” and is completely consumed with the trivial things in the world (1 Timothy, 5:13). Everyday, she is “dressed with taste” and caught up in the drama of young love affairs or in the scandal of the day (45). She does not stop to calm her mind or to pray, but she is continually in pursuit of shocking news. Through these superficial qualities that Madame Hohlakov shows herself to possess, Dostoyevsky juxtaposes her with the Theotokos, who was of a calm mind and heart. The Mother of God used the time given to her in life not to be consumed with the superficial and temporal, but instead to concentrate on being a holy and honorable woman who could be found worthy of God’s love. Through Madame Hohlakov, Dostoyevsky further illustrates what women must do to change their position in society. For, by continuing to be engrossed in the superficial and unimportant, women will never be taken seriously; however, if women take on an enlightened role, they will be able to have a positive and enriching impact on society, rather than contributing to the decline of society as a whole through their frivolity and lack of virtue.
In The Brothers Karamozov, Dostoyevsky uses Katerina Ivanovna to symbolize the perception that was held for many years of women as property, to buy or sell as men wished. Katerina Ivanovna was a “creature for sale,” and Dmitri, being the buyer could do anything that he desired with her (158). Once again, women are seen as being under the control of man, like cattle or a “beast” (154). Katerina Ivanovna was not only controlled physically, but was also expected to be “an echo of other people’s ideas” (4). For women to “lack mental freedom” is horrible and despicable above all else (4). Seeing this trend in society, Dostoyevsky attempts to communicate the vast importance of independence, especially independence of thought. Dostoyevsky explains that women cannot be owned by men; they must instead give their hearts to God, and be wholly His. For man does not possess the ability to save women, only God has this power, and thus, in order to gain freedom in society, Dostoyevsky argues, women must first give themselves to God, and by doing so, gain societal and eternal independence from bondage. Through the example of the Virgin Mary, who gave her body and mind to God as a temple, and thus rose above the scorn of society and the control that men had over women as wives and mistresses, Dostoyevsky gives Russian women, and women all over the world, the initiative, and the proper model to free themselves from their centuries of bondage.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky was a devout Orthodox Christian, and his purpose in his literature was to show people “the way to the church” (330). In The Brothers Karamozov, he targets women, revealing their demeaning roles and explaining to them that only through God’s salvation will they be able to elevate their societal position from their existing pejorative roles, in which they are continually being manipulated, to a level or position in which they can positively impact and mold their society.

2004-09-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

I have really been thinking a lot about what Fr. Wayne said in his homily last sunday. The idea of denying yourself is always so intriguing to me because I have such trouble with it. All my sins spring from the fact that I am terrible at saying no to myself. I am not the only one who has to bear the consequences of my self love and indulgence, my family and friends must bear them as well. So I was thinking that if I cannot say no for myself I should at least be able to say no for those I love. For by saying no to myself I am then lightening their burden, if even just a little. I would not want to contribute to the fall of my family and friends. I do not want them to perish because of my selfishness. I think that part of denying yourself comes not only from love for God, but also for love for one's neighbor.

I know that I have a tendency to not be as compassionate and forgiving as I could be towards the faults of others. I am holding on to my selfish and prideful desire to feel good about myself, instead of completely embracing humility. Whenever I am judgmental I think of how utterly dillusional I am being in thinking that I am any better than someone else. Then I recall what Chance said one time in sunday school about how the person who we love and forgive no matter what they do is ourselves. I want to be able to feel that forgiving and loving towards everyone, and be hard on myself rather than on others.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that I must shed my "meness" in order to truly love and be a true christian and follower of God.

I realize that what I am saying has been said thousands of times, but really I think that everytime someone grasps something for themselves it is as if they are discovering it for the first time. It seems like that discovery is just as valuable as if it was completely original, or maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better. I don't know. Now I am just rambling.

Now for something completely off topic. Yesterday I scored at Barnes and Noble. I got The House of the Dead, Poor Folk, and Anna Karenina without having to pay a dime (gift card). I am really excited. I am going back into my Russian novel phase. When my I got home and showed my mom she just laughed.

2004-09-20T18:53:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking (not so sure that is a good thing) about so much the past few days that right now my thoughts are quite convuluted. Time for an emptying of my simple mind.

I read something so beautiful the other day. It was one of those times when something just makes you stop dead in your tracks and really marvel. The funny thing is that I generally get this feeling with something that is so simple and obvious, yet so profound (to me at least). Anyways, I read this from Matthew the Poor, "Repentance is but a fall into the hands of God." It still gets me. I just had to get that out, it is so beautiful and comforting.

Yesterday was so cool. I got to go through my dad's books. He has so many, and they are all good ones. I used to make fun of him because I thought that no one in their right mind would read the kind of books that he did. Now I want to read all of his books that I used to make fun of him for. Irony. Seriously, my dad has such a great collection. I am pretty much set for reading material for about 2 years.

Right after I graduated high school (and during it for that matter), I was so bitter. I am ashamed to admit it. I was so mad at high school and I absolutely hated it. Over the past few weeks I have been realizing that as much as high school was miserable for me, it was such an invaluable learning experience. If I hadn't gone through all those struggles I wouldn't be where I am today, and I wouldn't change where I am for anything. I guess that I have come to understand that whatever comes to me God uses to help and teach me, provided I work with Him. I am glad that I got the opportunity to struggle because it brought me closer to God. That alone makes me thankful for high school and how the changes it wrought in me. Wow, I never thought I would say that. Really, some good can come out of everything. A lot of times it is not until after that you can see the good. I think that is where faith comes into play. I just need to trust that God is always with me, and trust that He is protecting me.

People always tell you these things, these little words of wisdom, but they are never real until you come to understand them for yourself. Right now I am simply working on understanding everything I already know.

2004-09-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

"God invented liquor so that the Irish wouldn't rule the world." -Tyler
I got that from Erica's AIM profile, it just cracked me up. Gotta love Erica and her Irishness.

Anyways, today is the big day, yes, my 18th birthday. There are so many things I can do now, only one of which I am excited about. Yep, you guessed it, I can now buy cigarettese! Joking, although I can now legally buy cigarettes, lotto tickets, and porn, the only right I will be excercising is my right to vote. Yeah, just in time for the election! I am excited. I refuse to talk politics with my dad or Erica though. Both of them are very republican, and as I have a more democratic leaning, our discussions never turn out so pretty.

It is a good day. God bless everyone!

2004-09-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

I don't like birthdays, at least not birthday parties. I don't even know why I am having one this year. I think my mom roped me into having one since I am turning eighteen. I just feel uncomfortable having a bunch of people over all because of me. I don't like the whole part where everybody sings and makes me blush (to about the shade of a tomato). It all makes me really uncomfortable and nervous for some reason. I love the part before the party when you get to clean and decorate the house. I really don't like being the center of attention, it stresses me out, and I don't do well under stress and pressure. In fact, I do the opposite of well. I don't know, I will have fun, but it always makes me nervous (just writing this is making me nervous and shaky). Whatever Hannah, get over it.

2004-09-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

After watching The Passion I wasn't depressed (as I thought I would be). Instead I found myself feeling well, happy. I realized that if Jesus loves me so much that He endured such intense suffering for me, how can I be depressed? How can I despair in the face of such pure love and humility? It also made me understand that if Jesus could endure such hardship, how can I not persevere through the miniscule struggles of my life? Rather than fear the struggles with which I am faced, I should embrace them, especially since I have God's limitless love to strengthen and guide me. What can be better than knowing that you are loved beyond your comprehension? What is more humbling and motivating than knowing that you don't deserve such a priceless gift, yet it is given willingly? The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that love is both a bright hope and a dark despair. I hope in God's boundless mercy and compassion, but I also mourn that in my selfishness I tear myself away from the love that sustains me. God's love is so fascinating to me. It makes me marvel, for I cannot comprehend it. I both glory and tremble at His divine love, it is what can fill me, it alone is what can make me whole.

"Love is the very essence, the seed of the fruit of the Spirit, containing within it all that makes up the fruit, all that is God Himself who is Love. "
- Galatians 5:19 -

one of those days

2004-09-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

Usually it is profanity that graces that walls of public restrooms, but today I say something written in a bathroom stall at school that made me smile: "Dios te ama!" For those of you not familiar with Spanish (which is such a wonderful language), that means "God loves you!" Seeing that just made my day. It reminded me of what my dad always tells me when I get discouraged, "7000 Hannah, 7000."

Today was one of those days when everything makes you want to melt. During my break I was lying on my back on the grass, gazing up at the sky and the clouds were so beautiful. There are no words. Later, a little old homeless man touched my heart. He had no earthly possessions except a few bags full of miscellaneous items. Yet, he had such a gentleness and simplicity about him that was so precious. He had a beautiful heart. He was busy telling me about his life, when he stopped short and said, "the clouds are so pretty today, they look like mountains." To top it all off, I got home, looked out my window, and saw the most beautiful sunset that I have ever seen. If God's creation is so beautiful, His beauty must be unbearably beautiful, to the point of tears - tears shed out of awe, love, and wonder. God is incomprehensible.

2004-09-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

There is cause for celebration, today marks the one month anniversary of my quitting all types of diet soda. Yes, you all may laugh, but it is a big deal. For a while, my younger sister and I were addicts. We would have diet pepsi everyday (ahh, to think of all the money that I wasted on soda). Seriously, when I decided to stop drinking it, I would go through withdrawls (yes, how sad).

The fact that I got addicted to diet soda is part of the reason why I try to maintain as great a distance between myself and drugs and alcohol as possible. I know how easily I can get addicted, and I don't want to become enslaved to something so serious and damaging. It pretty much boils down to me being weak. I have issues with moderation. If I like something, I cannot seem to get enough of it. Then, before I know it, I am addicted. This is really serious, and it is one of the things that will never go away, it will be a constant struggle. I feel really ashamed and embarrassed to admit this, but it is humbling(which is always good). And at least, as my mom told me (in her great wisdom), I am aware of my weakness and can use this knowledge to be vigilant in protecting myself from attacks of the devil. Because the devil is very aware of my weakness and he will use it to make me fall, and hard.

So yeah, I am really embarrassed now, but I am starting to realize that it really helps me to move on and detach myself from my thoughts when I talk about them. Once they are out in the open they do not wield the immense power that they possess when they were still cooped up, whirling around inside my head causing me such confusion and misery.

2004-09-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I got a really sweet compliment about the way I dress, and it was not the usual, "oh, you look so cute, I love that skirt" type of thing. It was from a guy who liked the fact that I dress with modesty. I was not at all expecting that, but it is one of the nicest compliments that I have ever received.

Especially in this day and age, there are so many girls who wear clothes that shock me and make me uncomfortable. It is disturbing to be baraged wherever you go with girls who have no sense of modesty, no sense of respect for themselves as well as for others. I feel like such an old lady when I say this, but seriously, some girls really need to cover up. Modesty has always been so important to me, and it infuriates as well as saddens me to see girls dress with such lack of taste. If their clothing is distracting to me, I cannot even imagine how distracting it must be to guys. By dressing in such an inappropriate manner, girls are being not only setting forth a bad image of themselves to everyone, but being a potential stumbling block to those around them. To dress in such a manner seems to indicate complete selfishness. They place too much importance on their outward appearance and in doing so completely disregard their morality and spiritual beauty. This is basically the same old theme of this world vs. christianity but it still saddens me. My question is why?

2004-09-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

Well I made it through my first week of college. But the struggle wasn't as much in that as in running into some old friends of mine from dance who I used to be very close with. These are the girls who I used to share all of my life with, every single aspect of my life was wrapped up with theirs. Then I quit dance. Now I never see these girls, these girls who I used to love so much (and still do, but in a different way).

Anyways, I got to talking with them, finding out what they had been up to (that type of thing). In terms of our society, they are fairly "successful," one of them is the current Miss HB, they are all "popular"(whatever that means) and beautiful. Yet there was an air about them that made me nervous and sad. I know that they drink and probably are a little licentious, but the truly sad thing is that they think that they are happy. They think that they are successful. But what really are these two things, happiness and success? They can be defined in so many ways. All I know is that they are so different than I am, I have nothing in common with them anymore, these girls who I used to share my whole life with. I know that once I walked away from them that they were talking about me, about how much weight I'd gained, how I am really not that pretty, how I am fake, and whatever else they feel like saying. But I don't care. Not about what they are saying about me, but about them. I really love them, I know that some part of them is beautiful, some part of them is still innocent. But even worse, I know that some part of them is empty. That is what makes me so sad. That is what makes my heart ache and my throat close up. I know that they have so much that is beautiful inside of them. I don't even know what to say anymore.........

It just makes me realize how much I need to pray, and how much I have failed them thus far in not praying as much and as sincerely as I could have. I'm sorry.

2004-09-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

I was walking to class the other day and I passed by a guy wearing a shirt saying "alive for pleasure." That made me stop short and think, "alive for pleasure?" It was such a great example of how unchristian our society is. I don't know. Think about it..."alive for pleasure" vs. "let us...now lay aside all earthly cares." But I guess that is the essence of our struggle in this world, to live a life that is truly christian. What a challenge.

2004-08-31T15:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day of school for college students (yeah, no more high school for me). Even though it was a long day (8-4:45), I had a good time and all of my classes and teachers look to be interesting and enjoyable. Just walking around campus I was so relieved that I no longer was a high school student having to deal with all the drama and other silly things that accompany the high school years. Even from just one day I can derive hope that college will prove much more satisfactory than high school was.

Funny story......(to me at least)....
Friday morning my mom woke up at about 6am to a disturbing ticking noise. Alarmed she checked her clock to make sure she was not just paranoid, but lo and behold, the alarm clock was not the source of the mysterious ticking noise. Getting a little nervous she commenced searching her room for the source of the noise. She soon found the corner from which the ticking was emmanating and she convinced herself in her groggy half asleep state that there was hidden in her room (in all seriousness) a ticking time bomb. Luckily the ticking stopped and she figured that it was safe to go back to bed. A few hours later she woke up and heard the noise again and began to freak out, thinking that the bomb was really going to go off this time. At that point she called me into her room and asked me if I could hear anything. I responded in the affirmative and she then asked me if it's a bomb. "Mom," I said, "that is a cricket." Ah, my mom, the blonde in disguise.

once you are Real you can't be ugly

2004-08-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

I have been reading up on my temperament (INFP), and it is a little strange how perfectly it fits me. In fact, almost everything said about INFPs is true about me. Oh, and don't ask about the title, I just thought it was a beautiful thought.

INFPs live their lives focusing on their values. They know what is important to them and protect this at all cost. Their values focus on the optimistic verses the pessimistic, although they are often conscience of the negative. To understand the INFP is to understand their cause. They can work tirelessly toward a cause that deems worthy. They will quietly let others know what is important to them, and rarely will they give up on their purpose. They will go along with the crowd, sometimes even letting decisions be made for them, until someone violates their value system. Then they will dig their heels into the ground and will speak up for their feelings, insisting their values be followed.

INFPs are withdrawn and are sometimes hard to get to know. Some may view them as shy. But those that take the time to get to know them will find them warm and gentle, with a surprising sense of humor. They care deeply for those they consider special friends. Putting forth-unusual sacrifices to help such individuals. They often have a subtle, tragic motif running through their lives -- inner pain and unease which others seldom detect.

INFPs are creative and are constantly seeking out new possibilities. They have a gift with language and usually will express this by means of writing. Their intuitive preference supplies the imagination and their feeling preference giving them the need to communicate. They are gifted at interpreting symbols - being drawn to metaphors and similes. Because of these gifts they often write in lyric fashion.

INFPs work must be more than just a paycheck, it must be fun and must contribute to something that is important to their values. To be the most productive they need a sense of purpose behind their job. They often have to look at the large picture in order to see how specific programs fit in. They are adaptable to changes and to new ideas. They work well with others being conscience of others feelings and relating with most, though not always vocally. They like to work with others who are cooperative and who share their same set of values. They strive for harmony and dislike conflict.

INFPs treasure their privacy and may keep a lot to themselves. They need time and space for reflection. Others usually get along well with them, although they may not know them intimately.

INFPs may not always be organized. They may tend to lose things or to forget appointments. Only when they see the importance of organization in a task will they strive to work at it in an organized way to get it done. They can be extremely patient with complicated issues, but may become impatient with routine and details. INFPs strive for perfection, and this is especially the case when using their feeling preference. They may have trouble finishing a project, because they never find it is good enough. Even when the project must be finished, they may feel the need to go back and improve on it later.

Reluctantly INFPs may accept leadership roles. They lead with their values being their guide. They do not aggressively lead people, but rather work with people to develop their talents and to independently achieve their goals. They have a hard time criticizing others, but will try to motivate them by their appreciation and praise. When conflicts arise, they avoid directly approaching the situation, but would rather wait for the others to work out the situation themselves.

INFPs view leisure activity as very important. However they may have a difficulty separating it from work. If they have a special skill they use at work, they may use this skill in their leisure time to help friends, family or those in need. When they are interested in pursuing a new leisure activity, they may spend a great deal of time researching this activity. Many INFPs enjoy activities that are done alone such as reading, listening to music, or gardening. This gives them the opportunity for reflection and meditation. They may also enjoy social activities with those they feel close to. When they want to be social they can be outgoing, charming and quiet funny, making them a pleasure to have around.

INFPs present a calm and pleasant face to the world around them. Because they are reserved, they may be over looked. But to those that know them they have a view into their warmth and concern and their deep commitments to their values.

Famous INFPs:
Homer
Virgil
Mary, mother of Jesus
St. John, the beloved disciple
St. Luke; physician, disciple, author
William Shakespeare, bard of Avon
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (Evangeline)
A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Laura Ingalls Wilder (Little House on the Prairie)
Helen Keller, deaf and blind author

2004-08-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

"Love is not merely a feeling.
Feelings pass like clouds and may dissolve in tears.
Love is a vow.
An eternal vow that never passes away, never changes, never fails.

Through love of neighbor do we enter into love of the Way:
And as the former grows in us, so does the latter,
Until at last the Way is all in all,
And we forget ourselves.
Then love becomes a depth of illumination,
A fountain of fire inflaming the thirsty soul.
Growth is added to growth.
Love is the progression of eternity.

In desiring to escape pain
We seek refuge in sensual pleasure,
Calling it by the name of happiness.
But in trying to blunt pain with pleasure,
We but increase our pain,
For pleasure and pain are intertwined.

There are two kinds of pain:
Pain of the senses-
An absence of the object of the body's desire;
And pain of the soul-
An absence of the object of the soul's desire.

Pleasure of the senses is emptiness ever filling itself,
Yet remaining ever empty.
Pleasure of the soul is fullness ever emptying itself,
Yet remaining ever full.

Offering themselves to Him Who is beyond all created things,
Sharing in His self-emptying,
Followers of the Way become wholly united with Him,
The true goal of love and longing,
The true End and fulfillment of Desire."

-Lao Tzu-

2004-08-25T18:13:00.000-07:00

I really believe that there is so much to be learned from children. The simple way that they approach life and are fascinated by the most ordinary things is inspirational. Watching children and their innocence makes me want to see the world through their eyes. To be able to see things that I know I take for granted as something beautiful and exciting would be wonderful. It almost seems that children are able to see God more easily in everyday objects because of their innocence, they have not been hardened yet. It is something truly beautiful to see a child gaze with awe at their own hand, marveling at it and how it works. Children have such wisdom in how they view the world when they are young, but it is lost once they grow older. If only that purity could be bottled.

To find happiness and contentment in the smallest things is my new goal. I want to see even the most "mundane" and "everyday" things as gifts from God. On monday I was washing my dad's car and I realized that that is what I want to do ( no, not wash cars for a living). I want to work for others, I want to be a servant to all. It is so rewarding, and also it is good for my humility to put others before me and to serve them with love. If I can just positively affect one person's life I will feel so wonderful. To be able to love and serve not just so I can come closer to God, but hopefully so that I can help others come to God, so that they too may give thanks to God for everything.

2004-08-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how much comfort and clarity can come from a little chat with a priest.

2004-08-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been a bit rough emotionally. I am feeling sort of depressed. Hopefully I can overcome it before it becomes full blown again. Just pray.

2004-08-11T11:36:00.000-07:00

I used to be certain that I would go to heaven. But as I continue on my struggle towards God the less and less certain I become.

The more that I think about other people's sufferings and other people's needs, the more trivial and silly my own sufferings and needs appear.

What I really want is "that God may make His presence known to those who have turned away from Him and do not seek Him, so that none of them may be lost, but all may be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth, so that everyone, in true love and harmony may praise His all holy name."

I know this boy (a friend of my sister's) who is a staunch atheist. There is something about him, some gift, that is so obviously of God. Over the past few weeks, this boy has been in my head and heart so much. I see in him so much potential that my heart aches from seeing such beauty and from sadness at the fact that he refuses to see God. And so I pray. I think that he came into our lives, and we came into his for a reason. So much good could come from him if he were joined to God, and it hurts my heart to think of him being lost. If he lets God in, I see him being akin in beauty to my priest (Fr. Michael), who is such a beautiful, inspiring, and loving man. Please God, soften his heart so that he may have the eyes to see and the ears to hear You in all things.

Inspiration

2004-08-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

Today I had lunch with a wonderful lady who I adore and who is such a good example to me in regard to what a Godly woman should be. I had wanted to talk to her about some struggles that we have in common, mainly that of being female in our society and all the pressures that are inherent in it. She gave me such perspective and encouragement, but the even more wonderful gift that she gave me was a glimpse at her soul, which is truly beautiful, and her heart, which is completely in love with God.

It is strange, I often have an easier time relating to people who are older than I am. For some reason I have a hard time relating to people who are my age, especially when they are not christians. It also takes me a long time to get to really be able to open up to people, to feel completely comfortable around them(it usually takes roughly a year). There is something in me that is afraid of getting hurt, but I also am not utterly comfortable with myself, who I am, so it is hard to let people get to know the real me. I spent so many years being around girls who were constantly talking behind eachothers backs and not being sincere, so now I am still unsure of whether people really like me or if they are just pretending and will talk about me as soon as my back is turned. I still struggle with allowing myself to relax around others. It is easier to have people make fun of the character you invented to be you than to have people make fun and pick apart the real you. I played a role for so many years that it is hard for me even to accept myself, who I truly am. Main issue is that I want everyone to like me, although I know that is impossible.

Having faith in God has helped me to realize that I am special, God doesn't make trash. All I have to do, as my priest said, is be myself and use the gifts that I have to the glory of God. He gave me a gift, even if it is only a compassionate heart with which I can love everyone. But being able to love is a beautiful feeling, and I cherish my tears and my heart that aches at the sight of all things both beautiful and ugly. God has given me something special, but now I must perfect it so that in the end I can offer it back to Him as a sacrifice that expresses my adoration and love for Him.

God's Love

2004-08-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

It seems like nothing that I write ever expresses sufficiently what I am feeling or thinking. So today, I am going to let those with wisdom and clarity speak for me.

God's undying and boundless love is a topic that fascinates and awes me everytime that I contemplate it. Here are some beautiful thoughts about God and His love for all man (as unworthy as we are).

"Remembrance is an act of love. God remembers us and His remembrance, His love is the foundation of the world. In Christ, we remember. We become again beings open to love, and we remember. The Church in its separation from "this world," on its journey to heaven, remembers the world, remembers all men, remembers the whole of creation, takes it in love to God. The Eucharist is the sacrament of cosmic remembrance; it is indeed a restoration of love as the very life of the world.

"The Church, if it is to be the Church, must be the revelation of that Divine Love which God 'poured out into our hearts.' Without this love nothing is valid in the Church because nothing is possible. The content of Christ's Eucharist is Love, and only through love can we enter into it and be made its partakers. Of this love we are not capable. This love we have lost. This love Christ has given us and this gift is the Church. The Church constitutes itself through love and on love, and in this world it is to 'witness' to Love, to represent it, to make Love present. Love alone creates and transforms: it is, therefore, the very 'principle' of the sacrament. "

I cannot even begin to comprehend how much God must love all of us, for when I think of how much I love my family and friends, my heart begins to ache. The love that I feel for others is not a pure love, as is God's love for all mankind. It is humbling to contemplate God's love; it is a gift that I in no way deserve, yet God continues to offer it to me. Why? Because He wants me to love Him and be with Him in His kingdom. But yet love for Him is not coerced, it is completely voluntary. God and His wisdom are truly incomprehensible. The one thing that I can never understand fully is that no matter what, God wants everyone in His Kingdom, no matter how sinful and unworthy. My heart and mind are humbled before God, He is truly my hope, my refuge, and my protector.

Simplicity

2004-08-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday in church I got the strangest feeling, joy. It was so beautiful, I got this funny feeling that all I wanted to do was thank God for everything and smile. Generally, I struggle to be joyful and thankful because I am so concentrated on how awful I am and how unworthy of God's love I am. It was so amazing. I loved it.

The thing about joy is that it is so beautifully simple, not like remorse which is confusion and sadness. Recently, I have come to realize how beautiful being simple can be. I would love to have that feeling of just loving God and being joyful. What is so attractive and stunning to me about simplicity is the lack of confusion that accompanies it. I want my life to be simple. I only want to have to worry about loving God and my neighbor, not about a multitude of other insignificant things that always seem so significant, but really aren't in the long run. For instance, I would love it if people didn't have to worry about money, where they live, the type of clothes they wear, what people think of them, where they go to school, and all those other material and worldly worries that tend to occupy people every waking moment of their lives. If all that I ever had to do was pray, love God and other people I would be so blissfully happy.

I feel the same way about education. Knowledge is a wonderful thing and comes from God, but I feel as though wisdom is more important and something to be valued far more than a degree. It is so much important to be a Godly person than anything else. It is all about perspective. I was talking to my priest the other day concerning where I should go to college and he said that wherever I go I will get a good enough education and that I should not sacrifice my spirituality and morality for something that will only better me in this life. God doesn't care about my level of edcuation, He cares about my heart and how hard I tried to become like Him. He is just so loving and beautiful and merciful that I am overcome and so utterly thankful. God is truly Joy.

Saint Hannah

2004-08-04T17:38:00.000-07:00

Recently I have really been thinking about my patron saint and how little I really know about her. So, I decided to do a little research and see what she was all about. Now I see what a truly amazing and Godly woman she was. She had utter faith in God and trusted Him with her whole heart. Her whole objective in life was to "dedicate her heart's delight to God." Hannah was barren, but she prayed to God with tears (sound familiar?) and complete faith that God would grant her wish. Because of her faith, God rewarded her with a son (Prophet Samuel), but being the wise and Godly woman that she was, she recognized her son for what he was, a gift from God. Thus, she gave back to God what was God's.

After hearing her story, I only hope that I can strive to be like her. She was such a beautiful woman because of her utter and complete faith in God's goodness, mercy and compassion.

Here is Hannah's prophetic prayer that struck me as so beautiful when I read it.

"My heart rejoices in the Lord;
My horn is exalted in the Lord.
I smile at my enemies,
Because I rejoice in Your salvation.

"There is none holy like the Lord,
For there is none besides You,
Nor is there any rock like our God.

"Talk no more so very proudly;
Let no arrogance come from your mouth,
For the Lord is the God of knowledge;
And by Him actions are weighed.

"The bows of the mighty men are broken,
And those who stumble are girded with strength.
Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread,
And those who were hungry have ceased to hunger.
Even the barren has borne seven,
And she who has many children has become feeble.

"The Lord kills and makes alive;
He brings down to the grave and brings up.
The Lord makes poor and makes rich;
He brings low and lifts up.
He raises the poor from the dust
And lifts the beggar from the ash heap,
To set them among princes
And make them inherit the throne of glory.

"For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's,
And He has set the world upon them.
He will guard the feet of His saints,
But the wicked shall be silent in darkness.

"For by strength no man shall prevail.
The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken in pieces;
From heaven He will thunder against them.
The Lord will judge the ends of the earth.

"He will give strength to His king,
And exalt the horn of His anointed.

"For this child I prayed;
And the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him:
Therefore also I have lent him to the Lord;
As long as he liveth he shall be lent to the Lord."

1 Samuel 2:1-10

Saint Hannah is such a great example to me for what a Godly woman should be in all of her faith and wisdom. I strive to be like her, and I am so glad that my parents picked such a beautiful woman to be my patron saint.

2004-08-03T16:36:00.000-07:00

I heard some bad news about a friend this weekend that really upset me. I wasn't sure why I had reacted so strongly until I got home and realized that her story reminded a lot of my aunt's, not in the details, but in the major underlying issue. Basically, they are both mad at what happened to them and they don't want to let go of that anger and hurt. I know why my aunt is hurting, and I can completely understand it, but by not forgiving she is passing on the pain that she inherited. I just pray that she can feel how much I love her and want her to get better so that she can appreciate all that she has before it is all gone. God, please be with her.

I hate that one person can be evil and that her wickedness can still hurt people years after her death. I hate knowing that my grandpa, my mom, my aunt, and so many other people were and still are affected by one woman's wickedness. May God grant her peace and forgiveness in death.

It is too painful to say anymore.

2004-08-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

"The mind that creates the problem is not the mind that will solve the problem."

-Einstein-

This saying really made a deep impression on me when I heard it this weekend. I know that I often stew over thoughts and feelings in my head too much, and I always expect that I have the solution to all of the problems that I have. There is this thing that I possess, called pride, that makes me reluctant to ask other people for help, I always think that I can work everything out perfectly. I have too much faith in my own wisdom and reasoning and too much pride to ask for help. It is so humbling to depend on someone else, to admit my own weakness and inability to solve all the problems that come my way. But, over the past few months, I have begun to realize how poorly equiped I am to deal with every issue that comes to me. All my thoughts and feelings are so huge and intimidating when they are simply swirling around in my head, but once I get them out in words they seem so much more manageable, and often even silly.

By asking other people for help with my issues I feel not only that I am unmasking my weaknesses, but also I feel as if I am burdening others with my baggage. But when I think about it, if one of my friends needed to talk or needed help I would feel honored if they would come to me. That's what my friends are for, to support and help me. Likewise, it is my job to support and encourage my friends as best I can.

When I think about all of the wonderful people that God gave to me to support and love me, it humbles me because obviously He knows how much help I need. I realize then how completely weak I am. I feel weekly that I could break down, there are so many confusing thoughts and feelings inside me that I feel overwhelmed constantly. It is a huge burden, and I don't know what I am supposed to do with all these emotions. That in and of itself frustrates me immeasurably. I am so used to understanding and knowing exactly what I am feeling and why. And now, I am constantly baraged by an onslaught of crazy and inexplicable feelings that threaten to wear me down and make me break down completely. It is because of that that I realize how much I need other people's wisdom, because obviously my own is not cutting it. But yet, my stupid pride is still standing in the way. I never know exactly how to approach people in order to ask to talk and for their advice. I am scared that they will talk to me, and at the same time I am scared that they won't. The only thing I know for sure about all this is that I am utterly confused and lost. I don't even know what is bothering me at any given moment. Plus, whenever I try to get it all out I feel so inarticulate, my thoughts and feelings all come out in such a disorderly fashion. And what is even more frustrating is not being able to express in words what I am feeling. Some days I just want someone to hold me while I cry and cry and cry, but I am too proud to ask.

I often worry that I am the only person who ever feels like this. That is probably a prideful thought. Somehow, for some reason, it just seems wrong to me.

I just hate feeling this weak and ignorant. Everything seems to make me cry or make my heart hurt and I usually don't even know why. I really need to get over my pride and ask for help.

Everytime that I really look at myself I don't like what I see. I hate that I sin(which is also prideful because I can never be sinless) and that I am so unworthy of God's love. You know what, this is all despair, so I better shut up right now and pray that God may give joy to my soul (I struggle with being truly joyful because of all the hate and evil that I see around me).

Not Enough Words

2004-07-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

At this point in my life, I am making discoveries and realizations about things that I have always known but never really understood. I have understood them with my mind, but never before with my heart. It is a wonderful feeling to finally comprehend things that I have "known" all of my life. I don't have to fight anymore, I don't have to rely solely on myself, I can just be who I am and try to perfect that with God's grace. Mostly, I have realized that I am never alone, all I have to do is hope, trust and love God. He is truly the "Lord and Master of my life," and all I have to do is submit myself to Him and His will. I don't have to worry, just pray and trust Him. All of this I have known before, but now my heart knows it. Now I feel so much lighter and so joyful. There is nothing to worry about anymore. And I really do love God with all my heart. I can feel it with all my being. When I look out my window I can see God's beauty, it is so beautiful that it hurts. Yet, His Kingdom is incomparably more beautiful than this world. So beautiful that I cannot imagine or bear to imagine. I pray to be in that Kingdom surrounded by His love and beauty. I no longer fear death. Thank you God, for loving us so much, even though we don't deserve it. There are no words to express the gratitude I feel. Maybe that means I shouldn't even try, just use it to love God and all of his creation. Not enough words.

I Don't Know

2004-07-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

Today is a hard day emotionally. I am not quite sure why, but I know I am thinking too much and I need to get the thoughts out of my head. They tend to be way more manageable when they are not just swirling around up there with nothing to put them in perspective.

I got up this morning and really realized how insignificant and powerless I really am. That is such a humbling thought and it bursts my human pride (which I suppose is a good thing). But afterwards, all I could think about was repentance and how I really need to spend the rest of my life praying and repenting. When I think how I fought with God for years and all I wanted was to be selfish and listen to my stupid will I feel so foolish. I went through a period in my life when I really rejected God and lived only for what this world had to offer. I was such a brat. I became what I always have detested, and as a result, a big hole opened up inside of me where I used to have God. I tried to fill that hole up with so many things, and none of them worked. I finally realized that what I needed I had had all along. Talk about a humbling realization. It seems to me that no one ever realizes how enormous that hole has gotten until you finally find what can completely fill it. Mine had gotten so big and all because I just wanted to have and do what I wanted. Now, whenever I think about God or go to church all I can think about is how unworthy I am of God's love, and yet, He still loves me. I really want to deserve that love, which I have come to realize I cannot live without. Maybe I just had to lose my faith before I could really appreciate it. But now, I just want to love God and be with Him. That's all I want. Help me God, to love You with all of my heart. Man, I feel like such a wreck. Have mercy on me and forgive me.

It's wierd, when I look back and see that I have made progress I get all proud of myself, but then that just sets me back because if I am having proud thoughts how can I possibly be close to God? It seems like every other thought that comes into my head I have to kick out. It is sort of draining to be fighting my own thoughts all day long knowing all the sinful and prideful thoughts that pop into my head everyday. It doesn't help when people tell me how good or righteous I am, because I know it is false, but I so desperately want it to be true. I just want to be good enough to be with God for eternity. Yet, something so seemingly simple as that is so difficult and causes me so much pain daily. What is wrong with me? I ask that of myself everyday. If only the people who say I am so good could hear my thoughts they would swiftly change their minds. Please, just pray for me, I really need those prayers. All I want is to be saved.

O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

Prayer

2004-07-26T20:51:00.001-07:00

"Pray for all, near or far, with sincerity, because in a heartfelt prayer we can spiritually communicate with everyone through our love for them. Through prayer we can draw our fellowmen so near to us that they will be in our hearts, and we can warm their hearts with our love and help them in their doings."

-Father John of Kronstadt-

Praying is, to me, something so beautiful and powerful, yet at the same time, it is such a daunting task. When I am really within myself and truly praying all I want is to stay in that state forever. It is so peaceful and wonderful to pray with the utmost sincerity and love. It is the most beautiful feeling that I have ever experienced. Yet, as much as I love it while I am praying, I still have to will myself to pray every morning when I get up and every evening before I go to bed. Does it ever get easier? The thought that motivates me everyday to pray is that maybe my humble prayer may be able to aide someone somewhere in their struggles. And when I think about how many people need praying for I get overwhelmed. There are so many struggling souls out there who I desperately want to help, and almost everyone I meet or see I feel the need to pray for and sometimes I feel silly when I think about the people I pray for. Sometimes while I am watching tv, talking to someone, or walking down the street, someone strikes me in such a way that all I want to do is love them and pray for them. One of the people who I pray for (silly though it may seem) is Eminem. Whenever I see him or hear his songs I just become overwhelmed by a feeling of how angery, sad and alone he must feel. He makes me so sad and I hope that one day one of my prayers may reach him. Prayer is my little humble way of trying to reach as many people as I possibly can, which is all I really want - to help and love people. I know that when I am struggling I appreciate other's prayers, and after all, God gave everyone the power to pray, so why not use it?

I am not quite sure about the correctness of this, but it has been plaguing me for a while, but I have been wondering if it is okay to pray for the devil. I really want to know, but I haven't begun to pray for him, and I won't until I ask my priest (who is inconveniently out of town). Will prayers anger him or will they disarm him? Is it possible that the devil could repent and be saved? In a way(I'm not sure if this is correct either), I pity the devil because he is not in communion with God. Again, I don't know if these thoughts are proper or if they are weapons used by the devil. Is he using my compassion as a tool to break me down and take me even farther away from God? I have so many questions for my priest, it is in moments like this that I realize how little I know and how utterly lost and in the dark I am with concern to all matters spiritual.

May God grant me wisdom.

Beauty and Tears

2004-07-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

The other day, at a girl's study we were talking about worldly beauty vs. beauty in Christ, and even though this is stuff I already know and have been hearing my whole life, what was being said struck me in such a way that it has been on my mind ever since. We obviously discussed the fact that this world values external beauty above all else (which incidentally no one can control), and how God values beauty that comes from within, from the soul. I have been told this my whole life, but being a girl in this society is extremely difficult. We are often told that if we are not beautiful enough we are not worth anything. I have always struggled with this, and probably will for the rest of my life, but I am realizing that earthly beauty is so fleeting (and not at all important to my salvation) whereas beauty in Christ will last for eternity and, I have utter control over how beautiful I am. Coincidentally, as I was pondering this, I read (Fr. John of Kronstadt) how the Holy Spirit is Beauty, this made complete sense to me for only by acquiring the Holy Spirit within me can I truly become beautiful. This is such a simple idea, but at the same time it "trips"(for lack of a better word) me out and makes me marvel so much more at God and all his wisdom.

I realize more and more everyday that all I really want is to be with God and love Him with all my heart. But I don't know how much I love God and I pray everyday and ask Him to help me love Him with all of my heart, yet I still sin so much everyday even though I know that God is watching me every moment. This thought makes me so mad because even though I want to be good and not anger God by sinning, I still sin all the time. I often think that I can never love God completely until I sin no more, because if I really loved Him I wouldn't want to make him made and thus, no more sinning. At the same time I realize I am human and therefore fallen and always sinning, but that makes me so mad that I cannot be perfect. I know that since I am not perfect I am not worthy of God's love and knowing that God loves me no matter what makes me so grateful and overcome especially whenever I step foot into church. The past few weeks at church I have not been able to stop crying, and the most simple things set me off. For instance, at a baptism a few weeks back when we sang "As many as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ" I started to really cry pretty heavily and I could not stop till we had finished. Just yesterday in church I had to stop singing in the choir because I couldn't cry and sing at the same time. I know that this is stupid and I just have to get over it but the only reason that I don't like crying when I pray at church is that I don't want people to look at me and see me crying. So, I just pretend that I am praying in my room (where I cry freely every morning as I pray) and that no one can see me. Mostly I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable, but then if this is how I pray there is no way that I can stop it unless I don't pray with my heart, and that would be sacrificing the sincerity of my prayers for the sake of making people feel more comfortable, which I am pretty sure is wrong. So, I'll just pray(with some tears thrown in) for wisdom and just hope that these are real tears of repentance and joy.

It's Scary to Me!!!

2004-07-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

In all of my 17 years in this world, I have never come to understand the appeal that alcohol and drugs have on so many people. In fact, both always repulse me. The few times that I have been to parties with drugs or alcohol(I try to avoid those situations), I find myself being extremely uncomfortable and immensely creeped out by the presence of such stimulants. I often think that maybe I react so strongly to drugs and alcohol because of the negative effect they have had on my family(there is a history of drug and alcohol abuse on both sides of my family). Several members have died or gone crazy because of the use of such despicable substances. It seems that I have inherited somewhere in me an extreme aversion to them, maybe so that it could work as a warning to me get the heck out. But all that I know for sure is that just being around people getting drunk or high scares me so much and I can hardly stand it. I see the dangers in them and I don't want to see people become enslaved by drugs and alcohol, because I know how that is. Drugs and alcohol are the reason that I don't have much of a family aside from my mom, dad, and siblings. It is as if there is an alarm inside me somewhere that is set off at even the presence of such substances. I don't know, it may seem a little uptight or childish to some people, but they are terrifying to me, so much so that all I want to do is run away, hide, and cry when they are present(I don't even like naming them).

Some Feeble Insights

2004-06-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

Understand your suffering and make it luminous, light-giving; from an apparently imposed destiny, make, from within, a destiny freely chosen.

One of the things that I struggle with is the impulse to cry unceasingly, and being sad, not from depression, but from an overwhelming feeling of either God's presence and beauty or from the evil that is so influential in all aspects of life. That isn't even describing my feelings correctly, it is a feeling that is inexpressible in words, all that I know that is an overwhelming emotion that is sadness, joy, and confusion all wrapped up together. Anyways, a friend of mine, who I always burden with my crazy thoughts and feelings (by the way I am sorry for that), tells me consistently how what I am feeling is compassion. I have been pondering that and what compassion really is, to me at least(trying not to "stew" though). Well, I have come to some conclusions, feeble though they may be, about my condition and what God wants me to do with it. I have, along with an eternal flood of tears, been given a shy disposition. In my opinion, I think that God gave me both of them, compassion and shyness, which are in my opinion on opposite ends of the spectrum, so that I would have to make a decision between the love I feel for everyone and the inclination I have to seclude myself and not approach others (because of fear etc). He gave me the option, through free will, to either be selfish(by nurturing my shyness)or to be selfless(by nurturing my compassion). So, I have been struggling to overcome my shyness, and in doing so I hope that I can draw closer to God by drawing closer to other people.

In addition, I have been contemplating why it is that I can empathize so easily with others. I think that maybe the reason is that I see a little bit of myself in everybody, and so that gives me the initiative to approach them. Also, when I see them struggling, it is, in a way, like seeing myself struggling (and no one wants themself struggling), and thus, I can feel what they are going through. There is something about everyone that I come in contact with that makes me want to cry. There is a friend of mine at church who has the most beautiful glowing face whenever she is in church, it is like she is radiant with God's love and grace. There is something about her expression and God's obvious dwelling within her that brings me to tears and makes me tremble whenever I watch her pray. It is so pure and heavenly. That presence of God I see in everyone, some to a larger extent than others, but that always makes me so overcome and I cannot explain it. All I want to do is cry and hug that person so I can get closer to them and the Holy Spirit that dwells within them. Either that, or I see this sadness in a person's eyes and that makes me want to cry for them. Because, even though this is selfish, I don't want to see people suffer because it hurts me to see them suffer. Oh man, I there are so many things that make my heart ache in this world. I just pray to God that He can show what to do with all these feelings that experience.

Beautiful Thoughts

2004-06-30T12:31:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months, I have come across several thoughts and words of wisdom that have touched me in a beautiful yet terrifying way. Here are a few of them....

"A truly merciful person is not one that deliberately gives away superfluous things, but one who forgives those who deprive him of what he needs."

"The first accusations I take to myself, for that is good for my soul."

"For what good is it if we abstain from birds and fishes, but bite and devour our brothers?"

"The desire for possessions is dangerous and terrible, knowing no satiety; it drives the soul which it controls to the heights of evil. Therefore, let us drive it away vigorously from the beginning. For once it has become master it cannot be overcome."

"The lover of silence draws close to God. He talks to Him in secret and God enlightens him."

"Love is precisely the deepest thirst for the truth, the very voice of being."

"Woman sees an absolute, priceless value in the human form, and through this she humanizes and personalizes the world. Instinctively, she will always uphold the primacy of being over theory, of the operative over the speculative, of the intuitive over the discursive."

Ramblings

2004-06-27T14:36:00.000-07:00

For several months I have been observing and subsequently contemplating why certain newcomers to my church(mainly guys) who are reformed are so much more sensitive than guys who have not had a more crazy past. I was thinking that much of the reason that this is the case is that God was in a sense playing with their hearts, molding them so to speak, and in that process they became even more sensitive and compassionate than originally. I also think that one must be sensitive in order to actually see God, and that seeing the error of one's ways is extremely humbling and makes one much more sensitive to people in general and also less judgemental. All I know is that the few men that are reformed and have come to Orthodoxy are so sensitive and compassionate, and seeing this makes my heart melt. For some reason, even though I don't know some of them that well, I have a soft spot in my heart for them. There is something so beautiful and touching to me to see someone turn around and see God's grace in full and then, instead of running from His glory, embrace God with all of his/her heart and soul. That is so moving, especially to a young women who was raised in Orthodoxy and have always had the Church play a large role in my life. All I really wanted to say was how, for me, to see people who change their lives in such huge ways is just another way that God manifests his unbounding love and mercy. It often makes my heart ache to see those said people worshipping in church and loving God so much, and then I think of how they used to be and I marvel at God'd mercy, love and power. I simply admire and truly adore people who have changed so much by giving up their own desires in order to submit to God's will. There is just something so beautiful about true humility that makes me want to cry realizing that complete humility is what is required to truly be a servant of God - to submit to his will, like the Theotokos, the most beautiful and aweinspiring creature of God.

Things To Ponder

2004-06-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

As a adolescent, I am going through a very turbulent time trying to discover who I am, who I want to be, and the way in which I can resolve those two. I have discovered, after a period of time away from God, that God is imperative to my existence and only He can lead me on the path towards deification. But upon the path to rediscovering God, I have been struck with immense remorse and I find that most things, from seeing someone eating lunch alone at school to watching someone praying in church, make me want to weep. Everything that I see, whether it be beautiful, ugly, sad, or joyful makes me weep. I am struck with this "gift of tears" and it confuses me immensely. I am confused as to what God gave me this ability for. I know that it is something I can use to help others in God's name, but as to what exactly it is that I am supposed to do, well, I am at a loss. All I know is that I see something in people that makes me want to love them and give them something that might be lacking in their lives (like someone to love them utterly). I also know that even the people who I don't like, or who I disaprove of, I feel sad for and I love them in some strange way. I look at the world around me and I cannot but know that God exists and that he is everywhere present. At the same time, I see such evil and corruption that I cannot help but weep for the world and everyone who is so weighed down by the evil that so plagues our time. All that ranting was probably very disorganized and didn't make very much sense, but then again the thoughts as they are in my head don't make sense either. But here are some very wise, beautiful and enlightening words on the true gift of tears, which I hope to one day possess.

"The birth of the weeping of repentance in a person signifies his embarking upon the way to God.

"As one comes closer to the fruit of spiritual life tears become more and more frequent until they flow forth every day and every hour.

"There are tears that burn and there are tears that anoint as if with oil. All tears that flow out of contrition and an anguish of heart on account of sins dry up and burn the body, and often even the governing faculty feels the injury caused by their outflow. At first a man must necessarily come to this order of tears and through them a door is opened unto him to enter into the second order, which is superior to the first; this is the sign that a man has received mercy. These are the tears that are shed because of insight; they make the body comely and anoint it as if with oil, and they pour forth by themselves without compulsion... The body receives from them a sort of nourishment, and gladness is imprinted upon the face. He who has had experience of these two alterations will understand.[7]

"The tears of compunction which are accompanied by the feeling of spiritual joy are granted to someone when he reaches the state of the purity of heart and dispassion. These tears are a consequence of the fact that a person is deemed worthy of revelations from above and the vision of God. This is implied in the Beatitudes:

"Blessed, therefore, are the pure in heart,[8] for there is no time when they do not enjoy the sweetness of tears, and in this sweetness they see the Lord at all times. While tears are still wet in their eyes, they are deemed worthy of beholding His revelations at the height of their prayer; and they make no prayer without tears. This is the meaning of the Lord’s saying, ‘Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted’.[9] For a man comes from mourning into purity of soul... All the saints strive to reach this entrance-way, because by means of tears the door is opened before them to enter the land of consolation, wherein the footsteps of the love of God are imprinted through revelations.[10]

"Thus the tears of compunction which are born as a result of someone’s reaching the state of purity and dispassion lead him to the perfection of the love of God. The sign that a person has reached the love of God is his ability to shed tears every time when he remembers God.

"Isaac often says that tears of compunction should accompany prayer. Tears during prayer are, according to him, a sign that a person’s repentance has been accepted by God.[12] When the gift of tears is granted to a person during prayer, the delight of these tears should not be counted as idleness.[13] A multitude of tears is born to a person in the life of stillness, ‘sometimes with pain, sometimes with amazement; for the heart humbles herself and becomes like a tiny babe, and as soon as she begins to pray, tears flow forth in advance of her prayer’.[14] According to Isaac’s testimony, tears during prayer were experienced by the majority of good monks of his time: ‘(A monk) may receive the gift of tears during the office - something which the majority of right-minded brethren experience - tears which so compel that brother with their quantity that he is unable to complete the office, even though he struggles greatly to do so: instead, he has to abandon the office because of abundant weeping...’[15]

"We see that Isaac does not regard tears as an extraordinary gift, as a special charisma, of which only very few are counted worthy. On the contrary, he considers that the experience of tears is necessary for every Christian, not necessarily a monk.

"Isaac does not always distinguish between the bitter tears of repentance and the sweet tears of compunction. Rather, two types of tears are the two sides of one medal, two aspects of one and the same experience. The tears of compunction, which are born from mystical insights, from the love of God and from deep humility, are joyful tears. At the same time they are accompanied by repentance, by the awareness of one’s own sinfulness, by ‘burning suffering’ and a contrite heart."

- Archimandrite Gregory -

Random Musings

2004-06-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

To me, the Theotokos is the most beautiful and humbling person. She submitted herself to the will of God so that all men could be saved. In the Orthodox Church, the Theotokos and Eve embody Sophia, or divine wisdom. Because of this, Eve was tempted by the Devil. She was tempted not because she was the "weaker sex," but rather because "she represented the religious principle of human nature." Satan knew that "once the being that was most receptive, the most sensitive to the communion between God and the human being was afflicted, the rest would take care of itself."

Among the most fascinating ideas that I have encountered when reading Orthodox literature is that "woman is amenable to the spirits; more than a man, she is sensitive to magic, and to demonic powers." In essence, women can feel the pressence of these powers, which is overwhelming and often terrifying. This idea made a lot of sense to me because I remember as a child, whether walking down the street, playing with other children, or numerous other activities, experiencing feelings that are almost impossible to express in words. I would feel as if I was dirtied, and the air about me was possessed. These recollections came back to me when I had a similar experience several weeks ago. I was out with a reformed friend and some of her friends from her old life, and I felt uncomfortable and strange the whole evening. It was not till I got home that night that the complete onslaught of feelings came. I could not sleep the whole night and the next morning at school, I was shaking, on the verge of tears, and I felt scared. It was one of the scariest things that I have ever experienced. I tremble to think of it. I feel that some people, in particular women, are susceptible to taking on the feelings of others, but also being able to sense danger or evil in the air. It is a bit spooky and extremely terrifying when you personally experience something like that. But there is the other side to it. When I am in church, I feel nothing but peace, purity and an indescribable beauty and wonder at the glory of God and all his saints, especially the Theotokos. Every service I am brought to tears at the incredible holiness of God and his love. When I look at the icon of the Theotokos I am overcome with awe and wish only to ascribe to her glory, for she is so full of sophia and humility that I am overcome by God's divine fatherhood, which exacts itself through human motherhood, or more exactly the Theotokos who is the "mother of all the living"(Gen 3:20). I only wish to be like her who gave herself willingly to save others, and in doing so became the mother and protectress of all mankind.

My First Posting!

2004-06-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

Well, this is the first message ever for me. I don't quite know where to start. Really, my blog will end up extremely disorganized, but I'll try to start off on a good foot. What I want my blog to be is a place where I could get out all of the crazy, and often overwhelming, thoughts out of my head. Hopefully this can be a kind of catharsis.

So, the other night I was continuing on with my spiritual reading, presently in the form of Woman and the Salvation of the World by Paul Evdokimov and I was struggling with the idea of women as subservient to men (which is what society in general impresses upon the public when referencing creationist theory), when I read a sentence(or more) that really made me stop and made me just sit and ponder for several moments. Evdokimov states quite simply and frankly that when God created Adam(in Hebrew, 'adam is to be understood in a collective sense, "mankind"), man and woman as seperate entities did not exist. In fact God created them as "not yet differentiated." The present differentiation between man and woman was a result of the Fall and that with the Fall the only way that man and woman can attempt to regain their perfect unity is through the sacrament of marriage. WOW! You all probably could have told me that, but I was completely taken aback and something inside my head clicked while at the same time the idea had so thoroughly penetrated my heart that I was on the verge of crying. There was something just so simple about it all. As I read more and more Orthodox books something just stuns me about the utter simplicity, purity, and beauty of God and all his creation.

For my final thought on my first posting I just want to say how beautiful, overwhelming, and aweinspiring God's church is, primarily because of the fact that it is entirely based in pure and unadulterated love. That makes me want to weep for joy and sadness at the same time..."for God so loved the world"....just something to ponder.